Jigsaw Puzzles

For a long time in London, all the pieces have fit together. Suddenly, with the removal of a few; a couple of dear friends, the good time certainty that a stable economy intrinsically provides, the realisation of how far away the most important people in my life seem to be, I'm feeling a bit like that lingering awkward piece who is left in the jigsaw box.

I suppose it is the late winter blues. I am vitamin D deprived: unlikely to see sustained sun for a while given the British spring's propensity for spontaneous downpour and billowing grey.

Let me describe for you this homesickness.

If you think about it too hard it settles like bricks on your chest and feels like your heart is broken. It is the total, utter, complete longing for your loved ones and knowing that a simple touch from your sister, a hug from your mum, an understanding look from your grandmother, could lift the bricks away.

It is the frustration of being angry at yourself for not being able to derive satisfaction from loving the friends where you are and the life that you have made. And it is also the crippling and paradoxical knowledge that the grass always grows greener on the south side, and that it aint nearly so green when you are standing on it..

Things feel remarkably like a house of cards. One strong breeze could blow me over and take me with it. I said earlier this year that I thought 'Rambling Woman was a good song for me. I still do. Reconciling my current bout of missing the Oz will eventually subside. The routine will iron out the wrinkles, and what is left won't be half bad. But until the slings and arrows will let me off their rollercoaster, I will feel like somebody has angled a magnifying glass right at my heart and is burning holes in it with the thin and wintry English sun.

A little dramatic perhaps, but at the moment, that's what it feels like.